Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
You Might Also Like
and now we wait
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image