help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
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[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
When your parents check you’re ok.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”