There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
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*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.