I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
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I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
catch me on valentine’s day like
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Matt Goss
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.