….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
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Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child