My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?