Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
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Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.