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Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?