A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
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Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Damn he played himself
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.