Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
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TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.