[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
You Might Also Like
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence