Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
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I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
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The Friday File.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
why no one uses midhusbands
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.