Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
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i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
everyone’s a critic
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over