coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
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*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.