Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
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i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
pictures of spider-man
Today’s Times
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.