A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
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What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
(by @ZachWeiner )
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
this has done me in for some reason
Said the murderer.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
They are only bad decisions if you get caught