What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
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If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Still cracks me up
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Swedish for common sense.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car