Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
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In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
こいつ天才
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips