Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
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When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
This makes total sense…
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.