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her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions