Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
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[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Sorry I made promises on Friday
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.