Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
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Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Festive toon…
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]