Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
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I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I think my mom just blocked me
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
This kid will have a bright future.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.