The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
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BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
thank god the sign was there
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
just having fun
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend