IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
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this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.