Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
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I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
B
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week