With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Tough love is true love
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
You are not alone 💚
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….