Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
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*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
This is I, Robot all over again
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama