ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
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*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”