Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
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Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms