[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
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Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits