What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
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[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
it was love at first sight
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
handsome & gretel
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.