Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
You Might Also Like
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
so i’m at the stock market right
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩