HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
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I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I feel like one of these would kill a European