Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
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This makes total sense…
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
so i’m at the stock market right
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Those are good neighbors.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.