Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
You Might Also Like
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
repaired
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam