ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
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Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
My blood type is coffee.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*