We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
You Might Also Like
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]