“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
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you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
The days of good grammer has went
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
This came to me in a dream.
No, I don’t think I will.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That