If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
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A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
plant them where lol
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.