ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
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I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
🏙👨🏼
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
LA today:
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!