Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
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if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.