There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
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Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Simple enough.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh