I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
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Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Thinking about Jeff
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.