[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
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[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Oh boy, $150,000!
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all