Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”