My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
You Might Also Like
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
dream blunt rotation
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
m’lady
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I think this cat is broken
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…