[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
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Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
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[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here