Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
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The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen