“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
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us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
I need a chiropractor for my brain.